The answer

In 4 days, I will have been engaged for 1 month. For some reason, it feels much much longer.

It's hard to fully express what it's been like to be engaged so I thought maybe I'll try to blog about it. Who knows? Maybe this way all that my heart is feeling will be expressed in a manner that will ultimately free me to live even more fully in this new "state" of my life.

I look down at my perfect ring and think, finally, what I've always wanted. I have it. He's in my life. He loves me and wants to marry me. I love him and want to marry him.

But the truth is, it's hard. Being in a committed, engaged, loving, respectful relationship leading to marriage is a full-time job.

It's hard because inherently within me, etched in my bones and in the recesses of my soul, I'm so very broken. I'm so scared. And I don't fully trust anyone. Not even myself some times.

It's hard because in this man, my other half, the man whom in 8 months I will publicly vow to spend eternity with, this man is beautiful inside and out. He's generous, loving, faithful, patient. So very patient. But he's not the answer.

He's not the answer to that burning question that defines almost every hour of my existence, "Will he stop loving me? He's not the answer to the fear that rises with every beat of my heart, "Will he change?"

He is not the answer. He can do any amount of wonderful things. Shower me with gifts, allow me to yell and be dramatic, openly flog him with my type A, anal, control freak personality. And he does, with grace and humility, he loves me. It's surreal still really. The way he knows how to love me so well, having known me only 6 months out of my 28 years on earth.

And yet, these amazing gestures still aren't the answer. He is simply not enough to still the battle that rages in my thoughts, the memories of my past, the fear that too often binds me.

I need something so much bigger. A Love so powerful that it transcends itself. Transcends me and even transcends the lover.

What I am realizing as an engaged woman learning to love outside herself is this: I need God more than ever. I need God to love me and teach me how to love in a way that frees me and the object of my love to be better and run faster after the purposes God has on our lives - individually and as a couple.

What I am learning is that I inherently am selfish. Self-centered. Want my needs to be met above his. And it is only through active intercession that God brings me to a higher place, to a place where I can treat and love this man, my future husband, with the respect and love he deserves in every moment. Even when he hasn't met my needs or expectations.

See, the relationship is not the answer. It's the next season in the story of my life. The next level in the video game. Two instead one. But the old battles remain. The inherent need for the love of a Father, a Lover, a God REMAINS the same, if not increased.

And see the great thing is this: this is what gives me permission to continue. Is that in every instance, this relationship, this partnership, draws me more fully and intimately to the heart of the only Man that can ever fully love me and care for me beyond every darkness and crack in my being.

The most excellent of men. Psalm 45.

Yes, my earthly man, is the best and most amazing thing that has ever happened to me on this planet.

But he's not the answer.

His place will always and forever be secondary, to the Man I have loved while I was being knit in my mother's womb.

And I know that ultimately it is this Love for my Maker and His love for me that brought my earthly husband and I together, that allowed him to fall in love with me, and is what will sustain us through thick and thin. Through the many unanswered prayers, the misunderstandings, and the ultimate realization that we will NEVER be eachother's answer.

Only Him.

Only Him.

No longer one

It's still so very surreal to me that exactly two weeks ago, the most amazing man I've ever known got down on one knee and asked my permission to spend the rest of my life with him.

I had dreamt of that specific moment for years, since I was a child really. The look on his face, the time of day, the words he would say, my reaction, the ring.

And now looking back, the truth is,

It was more than I had ever dreamed.

It was more because it was REAL. It REALLY happened. Sometimes I have to look at pictures to convince myself it wasn't just another dream.

In that moment on March 1, 2013 at 5:58pm, as the sun was setting across Malibu Beach, I stood before this man, my fourth finger no longer empty, and thought to myself, could it be true? That after everything I have experienced and everything I have seen, God's grace has brought me to this very place?

Where a man wants to spend his life with me. Join his heart with mine. Call me family.

The word love doesn't fully encompass all I feel because it's simply so much more than that.

It's redemption.

It's grace.

When I pray and thank God for this moment and the future I have with this man, "thank you," just simply isn't enough.

And frankly, I'm still grasping the full truth and depth of this gift. But I guess that's ok. I have the rest of my life to experience this gift.

And to this man, my other half, the man that no longer makes me one, but has made me more:

I love you truly and deeply and always will.