And God said, you shall be single, and saw that it was good

I have written many a blog about being single. After all, it's been 7 years since my last serious romantic relationship so of course, you know I got stories to share! ;)

I often wonder, why is it that I'm STILL single? Why is it that many girlfriends of mine have moved on, met men, had babies, and here I remain...

I know many beautiful, powerful, strong, accomplished women who have these same questions. The eternal why. We placate ourselves with speculations about who God is and why He has kept us to Himself. Maybe He has simply rescued us from bad men. Perhaps it's because we are just too busy. Or perhaps because the right guy just hasn't come along. The list of justifications goes on and on. The older we get, the more complicated the list becomes, because our fear of being single forever keeps growing and growing.

But see, we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why God, we should be asking, now what?

The word of God says, to God a day is like a 1000 and a 1000 is like a day. The God of the universe knows no bounds of time and space. This very fact makes our attempts to psychoanalyze God's reasoning for keeping us single for X amount of years a joke. We can't characterize God with human arguments because He is wholly Other. Too good for us to imagine. Too holy, much smarter, and much more creative.

I will be 28 years old in two months. This strikes fear in many of my family members - mainly women, women who married between the ages of 20-24. Were they better than me? More beautiful? More wise? Less picky? Just luckier? In a different generation?

Or perhaps, that was just God's plan for them - different from His plan for me. I won't lie and say I am 100% completely content being single. I have a deep, deep longing to be married. To find a man that will love me just as I am. To be taught by God to love till the edge of my ability and sacrifice for my husband and children.

And see, that's ok. There is a holy dissatisfaction that arises in singleness, that doesn't mean it's not of God or wrong, or that God isn't good. It's something that God in all His goodness allows us to experience because maybe He wants to draw us closer to Him. Maybe there's a gift in this for me...even that is not for me to know, but simply trust in Him.

It's ok for me to be uncomfortable and on some days only mildly hopeful in singleness because perhaps that is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Again, it is hard for the human heart and brain to understand this phenomenon - that good can arise from hardship, answered prayers from locked doors, life from death, fruit from drought. But that is the very nature of the Kingdom of God. Not that He devises hopelessness and barrenness, but that He causes dry bones to live. Strength in weakness.

I read somewhere this quote: "I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single, The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me."

Amen! Sometimes God's goodness is manifest through periods of confusion, doubt, emptiness because there is a space between God's gift and promises spoken in the heavenlies and the working out of that goodness in the raw, messy, human experience. And in that space, God is not absent, but wholly present, wholly good, wholly equipped with good gifts for us.

I am going to stop rationalizing this space. Oh God is preparing me still, or God is preparing him still, or God is waiting for me to be healed of this thing, or God is waiting for me to be less busy, blah blah blah.

It's frankly exhausting to try and figure out a God who stills roaring oceans, makes mountains fall, but also was born in a manger and walked with sandals, most likely torn sandals. This God is too big, too intimate, and too beautiful to comprehend.

So, I will simply accept my dissatisfaction, longing, and curiosity, not in a martyred way, not in a defeated way, not in a sad or angry way, but in an OBEDIENT way.

Not my will, but HIS be done. That is the essence of true discipleship and love for God. So yes, I'm single, I don't love it, but I accept it, wholeheartedly, with all my questions and doubts, because the God who allowed Sarah to give birth at age 100, can allow me with all my complexities and lengthy period of singlehood to one day read this blog and say,

Praise God for His perfect timing and for not always giving us what we want, but for ALWAYS giving us what we truly need.